Cunningham. Wow. All those head wounds.
Looks like they got scalped.
Who's their C.O., General Custer?
- They're English. - That would be the Gloucester Regiment.
- [B.J.] How do you know? - Those are the nutcakes that never wear helmets.
They're trying to prove it's mind over shrapnel.
- Whole blood and prep him. Stat. - And this one's next.
- Hey, Doc. Remember me? - Hi.
Yeah, sure. I sat next to you at the Dempsey-Firpo fight.
Nah. You operated on me about eight months ago.
You're in luck. The warranty's still good.
It's really hurtin' me, Doc. Can you give me somethin'?
- Sure. Ten milligrams of morphine. - Is that enough?
We just wanna ease the pain, soldier, not put you into orbit.
- I'm hurt bad, ain't I, Doc? - Shh.
- Ain't I, Doc? - Please. You're distracting me.
- Am I gonna be all right? - I'd rather not commit myself at this time.
Please. Do your best.
Oh, soldier, you don't know how fortunate you are.
- Major Winchester was one of the finest surgeons in Boston. - Thank you, Major.
In the States, you couldn't even afford to have this man look at you.
She's absolutely right, you know.
If this had happened in Boston, I would have referred you to someone else.
What hands. If I were on the operating table...
I wouldn't want anyone but you to touch me.
Set a place for me, will you?
How revolting!
I have every reason to revolt. I'm sick of this place.
Winchester, is that still your first patient? I've done three since you started.
He's probably running a check on the guy's credit.
Do you want it good, Colonel, or do you want it fast?
Good and fast. This isn't Boston General.
We're a MASH unit. We do a volume business.
Well, I'm sorry. I was not trained on an assembly line.
Neither was I. Nurse, wrench.
Don't be too hard on Charles. This is Wednesday. He gave up his squash game to be here.
Thank you, Captain. I'm sure you'll do very well after the war...
in a nice little free clinic somewhere.
- Goodness. What a sharp tongue. - He's sliced a lot of baloney with it.
- [Margaret] Will you get off his back! - Bottle it, all of you.
Colonel, I've gotta talk to you.
What is that smell? Klinger, did you fall into the sauerkraut?
I'm wearing Asian Musk. It "creeps out of the night to weave its magic spell."
- So does a skunk. - You don't like it.
Now, stop sulking and speak up.
I got a patella here that looks like a tennis racket.
Somebody broke into Supply and cleaned us all out of penicillin.
Oh, damn! Black marketeers again.
Thought I told you to change the locks on the Supply room.
I did, and it stopped 'em cold. They had to break down the door.
Well, take a jeep. Make the rounds. Try and get us some more.
It's times like these I could use a travel ensemble.
- [Hawkeye] Suction. Suction, suction! Now! - Can I do anything, Hawkeye?
No, not yet, Father. He's still got a chance.
I'm sorry, Father. That was a dumb thing to say.
No, no. No, I understand.
I know I must seem like a vulture to you, waiting for the unfortunate ones.
- I wish I could be of more help. - I wish I could too, Father.
- Look at this guy. He's full of tea. - Tea?
- Yeah. You can't tell whether he's a soldier or a samovar. - I don't quite follow.
They gave him tea when he was wounded.
Now it's seeping into the abdominal cavity...
an engraved invitation to peritonitis.
Oh, my goodness. Why would they do that?
I don't know. I'll never understand some of these English units.
They think a belly wound is an occasion for high tea. This guy took cream and sugar yet.
As if his wounds weren't enough.
What can you expect from a country that has socialized medicine?
Only Shakespeare, crumpets, Vivien Leigh.
- Let's not forget penicillin. - How can we? We don't have any.
It's 102 plus.
That damn tea. It's peritonitis.
Without penicillin, he's gonna blow the top off that thermometer by morning.
I suppose you'll have to get a new thermometer. [Chuckling]
What's the matter, Pierce? Sorry you didn't think of it first?
Oh, it's a joke.
You're wasting your time here. You belong in the Catskills.
[Jittery] Hey, how about a shot, Doc?
This pain is somethin' awful.
Really? It shouldn't be that bad.
Take it from me... it is.
Okay. It's a little early, but I'll see that you get another shot.
- You're a real pal, Doc. - Roberts. Ten milligrams of morphine here.
[British Accent] Ah, here you are, lads. All looking quite chipper, I must say.
- [Soldiers Chattering] - Hello, Major.
We'll have you chaps back on duty in no time.
The doctor says it'll be a couple of weeks for me, sir.
Nonsense. There are plenty of lads up on the line that are worse off than you.
What do you think this is, a holiday at Brighton?
- [Imitating British Accent] 'Alf a mo', guv. - Hmm?
- [Drops Accent] Who are you? - Major Derek Ross, Gloucester Regiment.
You wouldn't be the, uh, the chap that told this man...
he could lollygag around here for a fortnight?
Yeah, that's my prescription... plenty of rest and 100 c.c.'s of lollygag.
I don't appreciate your humor, Doctor. What is your rank?
Either private or general. I can never keep that stuff straight.
Whatever you are, you obviously plan to keep these men here much longer than necessary.
They all look ready to go right now.
Take another look, Major. These men need time to recuperate.
Nonsense. Look at Michaels here... roses on his cheeks.
Take him outta here too soon, he'll have lilies on his chest.
[Scoffs] Is this mollycoddling standard procedure?
These men aren't on holiday, you know. They're fighting a war...
and they can't do it on their backs.
- You believe this guy? - Like something out of Gunga Din.
Uh, gentlemen, perhaps it would be best if you let me handle this.
Uh, Major, the fact is that, in our best medical opinion...
it would simply be unwise to release these men prematurely.
Have you ever had the Beef Wellington at the Dorchester?
Now see here, gentlemen, I'm their commanding officer...
and I will not have these men lounging about in this... luxury resort.
But, Major, they're here on the American plan. Won't cost you a farthing.
I... [Sighs] I don't mean to be rude...
but I wish you'd mind your own bloody business!
Well, I do mean to be rude, so I wish you'd get your bloody butt out of here.
You'll be sorry for that.
We've an old saying in America... "Get out."
Very well, but I'll be back...
gentlemen.
- [Door Slams] - Hmm! I love the English. Wonderful manners.
It's been six months since my last confession.
You sure this is just between us?
- Nobody else is gonna know. - Only the one who knows everything.
- [Whispering] Colonel Potter? - I'm speaking of the Lord.
Oh. Well, see, I'm goin' home.
But before I leave, I wanna get something off my chest.
- Go ahead, my son. - Yeah.
Well, I've done some bad things here, Father...
drinking, fighting, fraternizing.
Well, there's nothing wrong with fraternizing.
Unless... you mean...
Oh. Fraternizing. Well...
But there's something worse, Father.
I got in with these guys... some G.I.s and some Koreans.
- Yes? - The black market, Father.
Medical supplies... penicillin, sulfa and morphine.
- Oh, I see. - I didn't like doin' it.
But there's a big market for this stuff.
Penicillin is like gold, and the dough was good... a grand a month.
Oh, my goodness. The dough was grand.
Now I have this terrible guilt.
Well, I know of several good charities.
- Perhaps you might leave the money here. - Too late.
I sent it back to the States, to my wife.
She put a down payment on a house.
Won't it trouble you knowing where the money came from?
Oh, yes, very much. That's why I'm here.
But, hey, I didn't do the actual stealing.
- They just paid me to stash the stuff. - Stash it? Where?
Under the temple bell at the burnt-out village school.
Oh, I see.
Well, if you want His forgiveness, you're going to have to right the wrong.
I'd love to, but I got a plane to catch. I'll work on it when I get home.
Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?
Let's see.
Drinking, fighting, fraternizing, black market. No. That's it.
Yes, go ahead.
Keep sponging him down and continue I. V.
- That's all we can do. - Yes, Doctor.
Great war, isn't it? Snipers, land mines, artillery.
And now thieves.
It's not the war. It's the neighborhood.
You're right. Why don't you move to the suburbs? Then you can catch the 5:15 to O.R.
- [B.J.] How you doin: Old sport? - [Gasps] Not so good.
I got a lot of pain. Give me a shot, Doc.
- You've had two in the last eight hours. - I can't help it.
- The pain's awful. - Shouldn't be that much pain.
All I know is it hurts!
Okay. You need a shot, you'll get it.
[Gasping] Thanks, Doc. Really appreciate it.
- Comes and goes, huh? - Huh? What do you mean?
You were in agony a minute ago. Soon as I said you'd get a shot, you're happy as a clam.
[Sighs] Oh. Just knowing I was getting some relief was...
What were you here for last time, Johnson?
Hip wound. Uh, took some shrapnel.
Bone wounds can be painful. How long were you on morphine?
A week. Well, maybe two.
That was while you were here. How long after you left?
- [Scoffing Laugh] Aw, come on, Doc. - You're hooked, Johnson.
You don't need that shot for pain. You just need it.
You mean you're not gonna give me another shot, Doc?
I'll give you everything but. I'll take care of you.
I'll hold your hand if necessary, but I won't give you any morphine.
I don't need you to hold my hand, Doc. I need that shot.
No. You're not gonna leave here a junkie, pal. That I promise you.
Oh, Colonel. Was Klinger able to round up any penicillin?
No. He struck out at the 8063rd.
Let's hope he'll do better at the 80-double nickel...
assuming they like the smell of sauerkraut.
Uh, Colonel. There's something I'd like to discuss with you.
- Fire away. - Well, l...
I'm afraid I can't be completely explicit.
- Would you like to give me a hint? - A hint might give it away.
Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?
Well, it's spiritual mostly.
- That narrows it down. - Actually, it's something of a dilemma.
Well, what's the dilemma?
- I'm afraid I can't tell you that. - Can't tell me that. Uh-huh.
Look, Father, I'm kind of busy. I'm trying to rustle up some penicillin.
- Oh, exactly! Exactly. - "Exactly" what?
- Well, maybe I'd better be more specific. - Hallelujah.
After all, I have a responsibility to my fellow man.
On the other hand, we have the confidentiality of the confessional...
- which is absolute. - Absolutely.
No matter what I do, I fear I'll be in the wrong.
You're right, Father. This is a dilemma... for the both of us.
No. This is my own problem.
- Something I should work out myself. - Whatever you say.
Yes. [Inhales]
- Well, thank you very much for the chat, Colonel. - Not at all.
You'll have to stop by sometime and tell me what we chatted about.
Father, has the Colonel had any luck finding us some penicillin?
- I'm afraid not. - Lf we don't get some soon...
you better brush up on your graveside manner.
- [Engine Revs] - Oh, dear.
- Klinger, have any luck? - Nah. Nothing.
I should've worn something backless.
I think... I know where we may be able to find some penicillin.
- Oh, yeah? Where? - Well, uh, I can't tell you that.
- Then how we gonna get there? - Oh, yes.
- Well, l-I better drive. - Then what do you need me for?
I can't divulge that either.
Okay. I've been on blind dates before.
- [Engine Starts] - [Gears Grind]
[Mulcahy] I think I should warn you, Klinger... what we're doing could be dangerous.
[Klinger] Father! We're only doing 30 miles an hour.
No. I mean, we're dealing with the black market.
There's a possibility we could run into some shady characters.
Hey, I'm from Toledo. Half my mail comes from death row.
"Shady characters."
- There's the schoolhouse, Klinger. - Nice location.
Why does everything in Korea look like it was built deserted?
Before we go in, Klinger, I want to thank you for coming along.
If you gotta say that, I'm sorry I came.
[Engine Stops]
There must be a lot of happy Korean kids around here, Father.
- Why? - The schoolhouse burned down.
I used to dream about that in Toledo!
- [Hushed] Klinger! - I never really did anything about it.
I meant, quiet. You can't tell who might be around.
It's deserted... like summer vacation.
Ah! Look. Look, there it is.
If we're in luck, there may be drugs under here.
This is the first time I ever broke into a bell.
Come on. We'll lean it back. And pray.
I'm with you, Father.
[Groaning Loudly] Oh! It's heavy!
Shh! We must be very quiet.
- [Bell Tolls] - Watch it, Klinger!
- Ooh, sorry. - Now, can you hold it like that?
[Straining] I'll try.
- I've got something. - Me too... a hernia.
"Penicillin. 4077." This is our stuff.
- We're stealing our own drugs? - But this isn't stealing. It's redemption.
- [Gunshot] - [Bell Rings]
- My goodness! Was that a shot? - Your shady characters just rang our bell.
It means "Class dismissed." Let's get outta here!
Come on!
What's the matter? Let's go!
- I'm caught. - Well, we've got to get out of here. Rip it!
Are you crazy? This is my best skirt.
- [Gunshot] - Hurry up, Klinger! Hurry up! Come on!
- [Gunfire Continues] - That was an original.
Now they'll make copies, and you'll see it all over Korea.
- Whoo! Shot, Father! - [Gunfire Continues]
- Get down! Get down! - Throw it into fourth, Father!
Onward, Christian soldiers!
[Gasping, Shivering]
How's that feel?
I can't take it anymore, Doc.
Please. Half a shot?
Hang on, Johnson. Hang on. You're winning.
Winning? [Laughs] You call this winning?
Oh, you doctors are great.
First you get me hooked, and then you say, "No more."
Nobody planned it this way, pal, but right now you got no other choice.
A few more hours, you can own your life again.
No. It isn't worth it.
Gimme a shot or let me die.
- You're not going to die. - [Shivering]
He's very inventive, but he's a little... a little structure conscious for me.
In my humble opinion, the greatest work in the whole operatic literature...
is Wagner's Der Ring des Nibelungen.
I think I saw it... with Ethel Merman.
That... must have been interesting.
Tell me, Major, how do you cope with the cultural famine around here?
- Well, I have my work. - Oh, of course.
And I do my nails. And, of course, there's my yoga.
I love yoga.
- Whoops. - Oh. Here. Ah, careful.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry. My sleeve is caught in your cluster here.
- Well, get it uncaught. - Well, I will if you'll hold still, Major.
Well, hurry up.
These animals would just love to get a photo like this to send to Donald.
Major, this could hardly be described as a passionate embrace.
- It's not an embrace! - [Jeep Approaching]
- I believe that's what I said. - Just get... Aah!
- [Horn Honks] - Here it is, folks!
Penicillin! Penicillin!
Father, where on earth did you find it?
Well, it was all very exciting.
There's this burnt-out schoolhouse by the village.
- It must have been quite charming in its day... - We heisted a bell.
- Klinger! Where's your skirt? - Missing in action, ma'am.
Go cover yourself, you hairy fool.
I am covered, Major... covered with glory.
All right, nurses. Come and get it... penicillin.
- Start dishing it out pronto. - One to a customer.
- This round's on the Father and me. - [B.J.] How'd you get it?
- Through the greatest act of bravery since Audie Murphy. - Or Father Duffy.
I'll read the book. Baker, keep an eye on Johnson.
He should be calm for a while. Keep him on the I.V.
- Call me if there's trouble. I'm gonna get some sleep. - Yes, Doctor.
Colonel, if you'll be good enough to sign this bill, sir.
Bill for what? Twelve dollars!
One skirt... a Klinger original...
a casualty of my death-defying mission, sir.
- I'll get you the material. The rest is up to you. - Sold.
Let me tell ya how I got that stuff.
Well, Padre, you certainly saved the day.
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
And there's nothing quite like putting one's spiritual values into action, is there?
Can I assume your little escapade had something to do...
with what we weren't talking about?
Oh, dear. I must have divulged too much.
[Chuckles]
Well, you slugabeds still on holiday?
- Can I help you, sir? - Good heavens. What are you?
Just a simple Lebanese psycho.
- And you always look like that? - Absolutely not! This is disgraceful.
I usually wear a dress. What can I do for you, sir?
- I'd like to be alone with my men. - Of course.
I'll go slip into something more comfortable.
- [Door Opens, Closes] - That was probably the commanding officer.
Captain? Captain Pierce?
- Captain. Hey! - [Drowsily] What is it, honey?
- Come on. You gotta get up. - Who are you?
Listen, trouble in post-op. That English officer's back.
He's probably gonna quick-march his guys outta here.
Over my already dead body. Hand me my pants...
and take a pair for yourself.
Hey, Beej, Colonel Blimp is back.
- You wanna come for the deflating? - [Mumbling]
How do you like that guy? He only works 19 hours, and all he can think about is sleep.
Come on, Klinger. It's Lexington and Concord all over again.
"And now the bloke has taken a real fancy to your sister.
It wouldn't surprise me if he popped the question before long."
[Laughing] I thought the family had given up, Billy.
Oh, where there's a little dowry, there's a way.
[Chuckles] Go on. Read your letter, Billy.
I'm on the edge of me pillow.
"Percy's been out with her three times this week.
"Once for a walk on the heath, again for a toddy at the Bull and Bush...
and today they went to the Royal Albert Hall."
Takin' a roundabout way to get to his flat, isn't he?
- [All Chuckling] - Well, what is it this time, Major?
You gonna put the men through a few calisthenics to see if their sutures hold?
Doctor, would you please spare us your diatribe until we're finished here?
Uh, off you go, Michaels. Read your letter from home.
- Off you go, Michaels. - Uh, right, sir.
"The baby's eatin' solid food now.
"I was holding her at the breakfast table, having some sausage.
I turned my back, and the little tyke ate half of Mum's banger."
- What's goin' on? - Quiet. I'm confused.
Hey, lads! Arsenal defeated Manchester United. Two-nothing.
- They're gonna take the cup. - You're balmy, mate.
It's Queen's Park Rangers all the way.
- Oh, get away. - Of course. They got a lovely chance, they do.
- Get off. Get away. - You care to step outside?
If I'm not back in five minutes, call a bobby and a cut man.
Carry on, chaps.
- [Soldiers Laughing] - You were saying?
- First of all, who are you? - I beg your pardon?
Well, you're obviously not the same martinet who came here before.
Whatever do you mean?
Today you're all peaches and cream.
Last time, there were more casualties when you left than when you came in.
Young man, you, uh, you've missed the whole point.
Don't you understand? When I was here before...
the men were hoping I'd behave exactly as I did.
Uh, once more, in English.
Only a madman would lash out at a wounded soldier without reason.
So if I come in here breathing fire, they realize they're going to be all right.
You may think it rather callous, but, as you can see, they've responded to it.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course. The, uh, the Marquis de Sade School of Bedside Manner.
Doctor, my men know I wouldn't shout at them unless I expected them to get well.
They believe it because I believe it.
- So your last visit was just an act? - An act of kindness.
There are times when it's better to slap a hand than hold it.
- The story of my love life. - Ah, yes. Small wonder. [Clears Throat]
You know, you Americans would be well advised to learn a little from British tradition.
After all, the Charge of the Light Brigade...
was as much a matter of morale as, uh, bravery. [Sniffs]
Jolly good, Major, but not all your traditions work out quite so well.
For instance?
For instance, giving your lads tea when they've been hit in the belly.
That leads to another tradition... peritonitis.
- You're sure about that? - Uh-huh. Quite.
Hmm. Well, that does make a bit of sense.
I'll take it up to higher authorities, but I don't know.
If it was anything but tea.
[Soldier] Major, we're waiting to hear your letter now.
- Would you care to join us? Ripping good stuff. - No, thanks.
I gotta get some sleep. If I don't get 15 minutes a night, I'm cranky the whole next day.
Doctor, I, uh...
I appreciate how much you care about my men.
Almost as much as you do.
Well, we each have our different way, don't we?
Well, you go your way, and I'll go mine.
[Slurps] Ah, it tastes good.
Doc, I'm sorry I gave you such a rough time.
It's all right. The time I gave you was rougher.
- Is orange juice habit-forming? - I hope so.
- [Chuckles] Hey, thanks again. - My pleasure.
[Hawkeye] This one's from my Aunt Eloise.
"Dear Benjamin, Guess what?
"Freddie Simpson sold the pharmacy to a couple from Montpelier...
"and the chocolate phosphates haven't been the same since.
"I think they put in too much syrup.
"Martha doesn't agree with me, but you know what a sweet tooth she has.
"The upshot is we're no longer speaking. Grandma Bates says...
"her varicose veins have been acting up again.
"Old Doc Snyder, who also agrees with me that there's too much syrup in the phosphates...
"says it's just that her girdle is too tight.
"He may be right. She's always bought them a size too small.
I don't know how many times I've told her that's why she walks to the left."
Beej! What are you doing? I'm a hit. They love me in there.